Day 1 of attaining nibbana

Current tensions

Debt

I am in debt, 1500 pounds, yet instead of focusing on making money I am making dharma content. Why? Because nibbana is only attained now.

Coffee

I am addicted to coffee. I said I wasn't going to order it, but now it's getting to it and I'm pretty sure I'm going to order it. I am going to also order tea and then switch to that instead of the coffee. I am going to order the coffee, as a final goodbye. I think this is the beautiful part, I know I shouldn't do it, I'm going to do it, tomorrow will be easier to quit because I have fed the wolf today. That's my logic right now, it's like how a junky justifies, but I am a junky, so that's what I'm going to do.

Shame

I am bisexual but not openly. I'm sure a lot of my unconscious energy is spent protecting myself from feeling the shame of this and feeling like I need to act a certain way. This is why nibbana is so tough I think, because necessarily it means you must confront the entire psyche — nibbana is the complete emptying of the hard drive.

Tensions logged

- `../tensions/debt-1500.md`
- `../tensions/coffee-addiction.md`
- `../tensions/hidden-sexuality-shame.md`

What nibbana is like

Some alien process with stamina bar inside head.

Nibbana is literally just nothing.

Imagine every morning you go on your phone. Then, you decide you don't want to go on your phone in the mornings anymore. So then in the mornings, you feel the pull to go on your phone, but you resist. After one month, you wake up in peace — the thought of going on your phone isn't appealing.

This is what is going on with nibbana, but applied to all mental states.

It is when I sit and there is nothing that drags attention outwards, catches it, pulls it. It is seeing clearly: the anything that does catch it is only temporary, self-liberating.

By doing nothing, you are practising. Don't even watch closely, don't attend to experience, just leave it alone.

(20 second pause)

So what is it that actually gets caught?

Luckily the buddha figured it out: hatred, greed, delusion.

But these aren't just when you don't like the server at a cafe, when you want more cake, or believing that eating cake will solve your problems. They refer to categories of behaviour — imagine them as roots or even entities. When you delight in eating the cake, that is strengthening the power of the greed entity.

(here we have green entity visual)

---

Buddha is basically saying that these entities are governing your behaviour, and they demand to be fed — if not, they will make you feel bad.

I think the correct approach is imagining them like coals. You can pour water on them again and again but it's just going to create hot steam, making you suffer even more — actually making them warmer, increasing their power.

So how do you make hot coals cool? You leave them alone.

However it's a bit more complex than this, because greed isn't coal — it's a complex pattern of behaviour in the psyche. So immediately abandoning it might be disturbing. A nicer way is replacement. Just as if you are trying to quit smoking, you might repeat the ritual yet only have a coffee. You swap the harmful thing for the less harmful thing that still satisfies the craving.

It's like: imagine ordering and eating a whole slice of cake = 1. Greed is anything that would make you want to next time order more than 1, and non-greed the opposite.

Instead of eating a whole slice of cake, maybe I eat 3 quarters, or even just give a chunk to my friend.

(pause 10 secs)

Now next time I have a slice of cake I don't eat it on autopilot. This might turn into having half a slice. Maybe I order a flapjack instead. Maybe even a banana. Then maybe I order nothing at all. And stop showing up at the cafe.

Because you weren't actually hungry.

Tensions:


- woke up and i still want money
- I still want the coffee

I also woke up with a lot of energy, singing and happy, like these tensions arent going to disappear overnight
expecting them to do so is delusional. I think this is where I keep going wrong on this stuff, i give it short bursts instead of
sustained attention.

These tensions themselves are what keep the tensions going.

Ok i am now focusing on making money, I am creating an etsy store

Ok im getting desire for coffee again, the process is that i suffer or feel uncomfortbale like thats the first thing

iv got to sit here all day wroking, im hungry, i normally get a coffee and that gets me through, sugary, cold, delightful

just got absorbed thinking about it

its that absorbtion im craving, from the social media, from the coffee, its me leaving my current uncomrfotable state of feeling the pressure

then by leaving the pressure, you keep the loop going

so the suffering is caused by me buying the coffee and delighting in it, the same way my suffering from the nicotine withdrawals is caused by me smoking
the cigarette

the deeper issue is that fundmanetal absorbtion that perhaps since a child i have been doing with TV etc

its because i feel awful right now, im fucking hungry , mood is low, i am suffering 

even admitting that feels like a good first step honestly one i dont make enough

because now I cant lie to myself about why Im wanting the coffee. its because it makes me feel good when i feel bad.

its not evil. honestly it might be getting me through this patch of my life. If i order a coffee, I wont be mad at myself.

Because im trying to uncover the truth of my actions primarily, i know what role the coffee is playing, when the urge arises and if I want to complete
the action. Thats fine. I dont think it has to be this masochistic feel the pressure approach where the coffee becomes the enemy because that makes me 
brittle where i want to be fluid. Its so interesting because i need the discipline of not needing a coffee yet also feeling compassion for myself
to be allowed it if I want it. Yet you could argue that is it compassionate to keep giving heroin to an addict?

Isnt it compassion to think about the long term implications. I think this might be me getting caught again. This really fucks with your head haha.
I think it might also be a case of overanalysing, at the end of the day its a coffee. Yet its the principle. 

You can be a master of karmic theory but still fall prey to it. This is kinda why I think scholars of traditions miss the whole point of them, although
 I guess its a good excuse to get paid to study them and also contribute to the field.

Anyway I still want that coffee. Accepting that removes the charge. Theres still a difference from accepting you want a coffee to ordering one.

For some reason there is shame in ordering one now, Like i failed in some way. Its bizarre how all this is bundled in an action.

I think its likely Im pretty hungry, so I think I will order food. Its not live im craving caffeine Im literally drinking black tea right now

Its that sweet escape. The brief hit. Like the cigarette. It just changed costumes.

If i order one today, it becomes harder to not order one

If i dont order one, it becomes easier to not order one

Thats the whole path in a nutshell, somehow u have to survive these assaults that beg you to feed them

Like training a dog, we dont buy coffee anymore

It is curious how it could go either way, and how that may affect future actions 

Take the difficult path, its easier

Do I want a coffee or Nibbana?

Well given nibbana is nothing probably a coffee to be honest. Thats the truth of it. I want the coffee. Its already too late.

Nibbana is when teh wanting of teh coffee does not arise.

The wanting of the coffee does not arise when I see the reason why the want of the coffee arises

The reason why is because I want to feel good

The reason why I want to feel good is becuase I feel bad

The reason I feel bad is because .. I dont know

I feel hungry, a little uncomfortable, it would be nice to feel that PANG of sugar, coolness and caffeine

Even thinking about it puts me in a little trance

I guess this is the process, just got to hope tomorrow is better. Perhaps I can start to replace coffee with food. 

How long before food takes on this ethereal status in my mind.

What is this activity of some activity taking on this ideal perfect state.

Its as if the coffee becomes this god like thing. Its drugs. I remember being off coffee for 2 weeks then having one. It felt like MDMA.

So naturally everyday since, I have ordered my MDMA. Why would I stop?

Well you stop because you dont somehow improve your wellbeing, you just shift your baseline. So your normal level of happiness is now dependent

Buddhism says ok the human is adaptive, lets just remove all these dependencies, in the short term it feels worse but long term its freedom

Haha still want the coffee

And BOOM, it is gone!! It is ephemeral! Yes it is ethereal, but just as it seemingly arises it seemingly passes away.

All you have to do is be diligent. Stick it out right to the end, hold on, even after you have given in to the desire its not over.

Yet its also not a war. There is also no method. You just have to go through it, like knowing that after your food is in a microwave it comes out hot.

the first time you just hear noises and are waiting, then the food comes out hot and u say thats incredible, now you know how it works

so now i see the coffee desire as teh last link in a chain that i have missed the rest of, the coffee isnt the issue its the medicine

and its medicine that dosent work



Its later in the day. SUCCESS !! I never had the coffee, i never thought of it again really, I was just hungry, I ate, had my tea, still got my tea
thinking how good it is without being delightful.

Until tomorrow I guess..

Also seeing that by itself its such a dry practise.. like it gives you teh mechanics which is beautiful but i fear it reduces your life to cardboard
peaceful sharp cardboard. I think the tibetans gt it right here with their enthusiam teachings. I am loving kashmir shaivism and its devotional hymns
I dont think they conflict with buddhist. Buddhism is primarily the practical path, it necessarily gives you the core framework without any bloat
because it wants you to focus on the most important thing first, which ends up taking a while probbaly. Teachings of no self I dont think contradict
Trika, there is just seeing indeed. yet the in order to see, must not ther be a seer? 

Perhaps that is the tension. The one mind.